Sasuke and the Seven BishoFighters
by Divey
Summary: Sasuke and Orochimaru have a meeting of sorts. They are then joined by Naruto and others. Embrace the cliches! Warning: Written during finals.


**Warning:** Written during term paper season and_ after_ reading way too many parodies of the Naruto clichés. So, yes. This is _weird_, even by my standards. Oh! Almost forgot! Orochimaru's character is so the black-haired evil hunk. Just so's you know.

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, because the proper owner is doing a much better job at writing them than I ever could. (Now if only he'd have some SasuNaru scenes, hmmm?)

**Snow Sasuke and the Seven Bisho-Fighters. **…Quite possibly. I didn't really check the numbers. ((Mentally counts)) Hmm… Well, it should be the Four Bisho-Fighters, I guess. Technically. ((pouts)) Doesn't have the same ring to it, though.

* * *

"I don't know about this," Sasuke said.

The bishonen at his front door smiled in a manner that would have been pleasant if it wasn't for the lolling, forked tongue. "Oh, come on," he cooed. "Why not?"

Sasuke fidgeted. "I'm fairly sure accepting things from the enemy is bad."

Orochimaru – for that was the evil bishie's name – feigned innocent shock. "Ah, no, Sasuke-kun! Is that all?"

Tender looking arms, the colour of filtered moonlight, crossed in a manner that caused nosebleeds to the surrounding population. "Well," Sasuke admitted, "There's also the fact that Kakashi-sensei vowed to take away my allowance if I so much as spoke with you again – much less accepted whatever hell-crazed snaky things you offered me."

The older bishie's lips firmed in evil resolve. Evil _sexy_ resolve. "I see."

Sasuke decided the conversation was over and moved to close the door. "Have a really lousy day," he muttered.

Orochimaru _glared._ "Ahem."

The young prodigy looked down, abashed. "Master," he added, and shuffled his feet in a manner that revealed his subdued innocence, betrayed at such a young age y the one he'd trusted most in the world, but which still hung on despite immeasurable odds. How noble! How brave was this innocence! Let us take a moment to cherish its tenacity! …Or not.

Orochimaru bit his lip to stop grinning like a lech. "But Sasuke-kun, we're not really enemies at all," he spoke up smoothly. Oh-so-casually, he rolled a bright red apple back and forth between his hands. "Think of me as your older brother," he tried, with a disarming grin.

The front door suddenly shot fully open and sight that faced him would have chilled his blood – if he hadn't already been cold-blooded.

"ANIKI," growled out through a raspy throat. The dual Sharingan eyes began to swirl erratically, and that creamy skin that many had wanted to pay homage to with their lips (or tongue, depending on how racy a story you wish to make this), suddenly farted into blotchy-yet-cool marks of corrosive black Evil.

Orochimaru thought it was just the cutest thing! He patted the spiked hair and smiled reassuringly. "I mean _before_ he betrayed you, poor sweet yummy vessel."

Sasuke flopped back into his normal ice-princess self. He sniffled. "Aniki?" he whimpered piteously.

Once again the tempting apple was offered. "So here. Have a bit of this _delish_ apple for me, okay, pookie?"

Trembling lips pouted in a childlike manner, and a shoe-clad foot kicked at the ground sullenly. Sniff, went the cute little button nose. "I still don't think I should trust you," he muttered. "'sides, I really wanna keep my allowance."

"But we're just so _alike_!" Orochimaru went back into coaxing mode.

"R-Really?" Sasuke looked like he didn't know whether to be flattered or horribly, deathly afraid – with good reason, admittedly.

"Oh, _yes," _purred Orchimaru. This line, taken out of context, could have spawned yet another slew of disturbing shota/yaoi fics between Orochimaru and the oft-molested Sasuke, but seeing as the line remains firmly _in-_context, we can all hope that won't happen, right? Right.

Back to the story.

"And because we're so alike, we're not enemies and you can obviously trust me," Orochimaru concluded. Sasuke, however, looked like he still needed convincing.

"How are we alike?" he wondered curiously.

Orochimaru, being the evil, sexy genius he was, thought quickly without actually _showing_ he was thinking quickly. "Well," he began, "we both have black hair."

Sasuke blinked.

"And we both have black eyes!" Orochimaru added.

"No, we don't," Sasuke glared. "Your eyes are yellow. And mine turn red."

"Oh, right," Orochimaru paused, then rallied magnificently. "Well, we're both gorgeous."

He had a point. A point that was very _sexy_ (and evil, of course). Sasuke nodded reluctantly, "Yeah, ok."

"We also both have cool techniques."

"True enough."

Orochimaru thought some more. "Oh! _And_ we're much desired and sought after."

"You're sought after because you're a sadistic mass murderer and responsible for the betrayal of Konoha, not to mention the death of the Fifth," Sasuke felt obliged to point out.

"Pish posh," Orochimaru brushed the comment aside. "That's just what they _want_ you to think."

Sasuke looked suspicious. "Who are 'they'?"

Orochimaru stepped forwards, gleefully invading the now-less-reluctant boy's personal space. "Sasuke," he declared in a possessive hiss. "_You_ are my other half." He stroked Sasuke's face for emphasis.

Sasuke retreated, with only faintly shaking limbs showing his perfectly delicious fear. He gave Orochimaru a skeptical look. "This isn't X/1999," he remarked, then thought. "Or Yu-gi-oh, for that matter."

A delicate, clawed finger reached out with all the evil grace bestowed in it. With utmost care, he hooked his nail into Sasuke's shirt and used the fabric to pull him forwards. Sasuke drew closer, hesitating and reluctant, but not wanting to rip his shirt. Never mind the fact he had twelve exact copies of this same shirt in his closet upstairs – they were _all_ precious to him. Precious like the memories of his previously non-evil brother.

The sky darkened as Sasuke felt the need to angst. Gratuitously.

"Aniki!" he wailed, and beat upon his breast (because he'd read somewhere that was what one just _did_ in these gratuitously angsting situations).

With smooth, scaly hands, Orochimaru snatched Sasuke's hands away. "No, no. Naughty Sasuke," he scolded halfheartedly, like a seriously screwed up parent would admonish an equally screwed up child. "You mustn't damage that pearly skin of yours."

Sasuke looked up, illuminating tears causing his shark-like eyes to shimmer like the rarified, opalescent black pearl. A delicate tear even grew bold enough to trace its fragile way down the youthful curves of Sasuke's unmarked and innocent face, which quivered slightly as he gazed, trusting and fearful, up at his supposed 'other half.' Who was really, really sexy (though that might not have been _his_ thought, but a feeling projected upon him by a certain author, who's officially given up on any sort of objective pov – if she ever had one).

"Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru crooned.

"Orochimaru-sama!" Sasuke gasped, dramatically.

The snaky, sexy eyes coaxed Sasuke into new depths of stupidity. "Eat this apple," Orochimaru commanded throatily. "Do it for I, Orochimaru."

Sasuke's eyes fell half-closed in a mesmerized state. "That's incorrect use of the first person," he murmured absently, taking the apple anyway, despite its correlation to grammar deficiency.

Still under Snake-man's thrall, Sasuke raised the apple to his lips and took a bite. He chewed it automatically, still staring blankly into Orochimaru's hypnotizing and veryverygorgeouslycool orbs of evil. He failed to notice the triumphant smirk that Orochimaru wore, or even the victorious sheen to his eyes.

Sasuke swallowed – or tried to. In a horribly convenient plot contrivance, a piece of apple randomly caught in his throat, effectively rendering him breathless. Literally. (But he didn't die, b/c then Sakura or Naruto or whomever you prefer couldn't get into his pants when they turned legal and that _would_ be horrible! … Oh, and also because he wouldn't be able to avenge his clan's slaughter oh the horribly overdone dramatic angst.)

Sasuke swooned. (The author would _like_ to say he swooned in a very manly fashion, but given that it's Sasuke , the author really can't say that he did without bursting into snorts of derisive laughter. Let's move on, shall we?)

Orochimaru looked on with vague interest as his future vessel fell heavily to the ground, the apple still held firmly between the pale fingers. He pursed his lips, considering this rather unexpected development. This confusion, however, lasted for only 3.51 seconds because he wasn't an idiot by any stretch.

Shrugging, he bent and picked Sasuke up, carrying him bridal style as he swished and turned to leave.

"Waaaaaugh!" a coarse, high-pitched scream suddenly interrupted the abduction attempt. "What're you _doing_?"

Orochimaru calmly observed the hyper, kyuubi-sealing blond in front of him. Blue eyes shone with fierce determination and the teeth within lengthened in a very cool reaction. (Hey, have you ever noticed how Naruto freaks out _way_ more over Sasuke than he does for Sakura? This implication brought to you by the SasuNaru fan club!)

Briefly, Orochimaru wondered if he should overcome the boy ahead of him and whisk him off to use that inner demon's power for undoubtedly nasty, unknown-as-of-yet purposes.

As he debated this plagiaristic idea, the boy's eyes grew red. "Release Sasuke _now_," he growled. His hands flexed demandingly.

"And if I say no?"

The prick of dangerous metal slid across his neck. "Then I'm afraid I'll have to take away your life along with Sasuke's allowance," Kakashi commented pleasantly from behind.

Pause for a moment to drool at Kakashi's all-around coolness.

…

No, I'm _not_ done yet! Don't rush me!

…

…

Ok. Where were we? Oh, right.

"_Kakashi_," Orochimaru groaned out. This rashly decided abduction attempt was turning out to be much more trouble than it was worth. In his arms, Sasuke shifted feebly, his unconscious plea for help touching the hearts of everyone in eyesight. Even Orochimaru's frigid self was touched, making his firm his resolve. Even more than help, Orochimaru believed, Sasuke needed to truly _feel_ the agonizing pain of a lost soul. Besides, however pretty Sasuke may look now, he'd look even prettier with his face contorted in horror and screaming, ripping suffering.

"Ewww!" cried Naruto, unconsciously echoing the author's thoughts (though for different reasons). "Stop licking him, you perv!"

Looking up from sliming his drool all over Sasuke's pretty face, Orochimaru glared at the interruption – then dodged as he felt sharp pointy things fly at him from the left.

He sighed. "Really, stupid people," he announced. "I'm just looking out for my future vessel."

Barks of derisive laughter greeted this statement, making him glance around in confusion. Had Kakashi let his dogs out again?

"How so?" spoke a deadly, calm voice that managed to be mocking, promising and casual simultaneously. My gosh, but Kakashi is cool. Yay for Kakashi-san!

Orochimaru drew himself up, affronted. "Did you _know_," he hissed, "that Sasuke-kun hasn't been getting nearly enough Vitamin C? I was giving him an apple to make up for his loss!"

Naruto shrugged. "It's not our fault. Sasuke hates the taste of orange juice, and he thinks apple juice looks like piss."

Orochimaru wrinkled his nose. "How vulgar." He gave Naruto a scathing glare.

Naruto twitched and curled into a heap on the ground, muttering something about 'those eyes.' However, his angst was offset by his perky blond hair, so the sky could remain bright and cloudless.

Oh, didn't I mention it had cleared up before? Well, it did. So yeah.

"How tiresome," came a bored voice directly behind Snake-Boi. Normally, Orochimaru wouldn't have had any trouble keeping his opposers in sight, but seeing as the author was suddenly writing them into existence, it was an understandably impossible task.

Still, Orochimaru tried to keep up, spinning gay-ly as he turned to face the…

_"AIIIEEEEEEE!" _the surprisingly girly scream rent the air. As Konoha citizens immediately cowered and protected their precious ears, Orochimaru dropped Sasuke in a panic and ran off in a comical cloud of smoke.

With his absence, Kakashi, Naruto, and Shikamaru gradually recovered, uncrouching cautiously. Realizing there wasn't any immediate danger, Naruto ran over to give the unconscious Sasuke the famed 'Kiss of life.' Within a few puffs (and several well-placed punches to his chest), Sasuke had soon reawakened and was back to his normal frosty temptress self.

Naruto shimmered happily. "You're ok!"

Sasuke gave Naruto a death-glare in thanks. "I thought I told you not to touch me."

Naruto grinned easily and poked a still out-of-breath Sasuke in the stomach. "Nya," he said, and stuck out his tongue. He got a hard fist in the arm for his troubles.

Kakshi tuned out the now familiar banter of the two lovers – err, teammates, and turned to look at Shikamaru. He raised an eyebrow.

"Is that a mongoose?"

OWARI.

* * *

A/N: … Yes. I'm going to go sleep now. But! Any and all reviews will be answered via e-mail! This is my thanks to you, dear reviewer! ((grovels pathetically)) 


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